The above title is somewhat true, pending on who's perspective you entertain. Certainly the thousands of people who have witnessed UFO phenomenon can attest to that. Maybe it was swamp gas, maybe it was aliens. We don't know. And there are things in this world I can graciously admit to being ignorant of. However, there is one thing I can not... And that is the logic and reasoning behind the family court system.
Go ahead and roll your eyes. "Rags is on another rant about the family court, doesn't she have anything else to talk about?"
No, in fact, I don't.
The epiphany I had yesterday occurred just after seeing my ex husband, the complete asshole that used me as his personal punching bag for nearly eight years, drinking beers with my 13 and 11 year old in tow...... at my 5 year old's father's house. This situation jarred me a bit. The idea of these two men, both of which are lousy fathers and even worse spouses, socially mingling together was quite disturbing. And to know that my 5 year old has not been a priority in her father's life (he has no time for her) made it ultimately betraying.
Back to my enlightenment of an idea that still bears no answer for me.
The question really is "Where is the line?"
Side tangent with me if you will...
It's Wednesday, and the trash can is over flowing. The garbage truck is due to come Thursday morning at the crack of dawn. I say to my husband:
"Baby, can you take the garbage out?"
"I'll get to it"
time lapse 1/2 hour
"Honey, the garbage, can you take it out?"
"Yup, in a minute"
time lapse another hour
"My love, the garbage really needs to go out"
"ALRIGHT! I TOLD YOU I WOULD, NOW QUIT NAGGING ME!!"
Nagging....
Ok, Same scenario. Wednesday night, the trash is over flowing. I say to my husband:
"Baby, can you take the garbage out?"
"Mmm Hmmm"
time lapse to crack of dawn Thursday morning as the garbage truck passes our house
"Honey, the garbage truck just passed. Did you take the trash out?"
"Dammit! Why didn't you remind me???"
So you see, there is a fine line between reminding and nagging....
There is another fine line- in the family court world... Its the line between educating and alienating
Any normal, loving mom, who has lost custody of their child to an abusive dad can attest to this. I am about to go off on my rant now. Bear with me.
A family lives in a neighborhood for many years, and one day out of the backpack of your child do you find a letter from the school that Pedophile A has moved within blocks of your home. Well, aren't we all tickled by this prospect. So, you take your daughters and sons to the kitchen to have the talk. The stranger talk. You pull his picture up on line to show your baby what this bad bad man looks like and you tell him how to stay safe. You map out a route for her to walk to school in, you even follow behind for extra precaution. You point out "safe homes" and teach him to use a pay phone. Or buy her a cell phone 'just in case'. You educate her. Educate, educate, educate. Every day, driving home the need to stay safe.
The teachers hear her talking to classmates relaying what to do if approached by this pedophile. 'She is so smart! Mom did a great job educating her. Now she's sharing her safety tips with friends. That pedophile doesn't stand a chance in this neighborhood!' And his teacher calls you. Praises you for your preventative measures! You're a PTA hero!
Now, after all that education, all the time spent trying to keep your child safe. All the countless hours going over back up plan after back up plan... What if some Judge forced you to send your child to that same pedophiles house, because you EDUCATED her on how dangerous he is.
The family courts do not see this as pro-active planning in the effort to protect. They see this as Alienating.
When that pedophile you are trying to protect your child from is that child's father, the family court system does not allow the mother to keep that child from harm's way. Mom is ORDERED to hand her child over into the hands of the devil. The judge will even arrest and jail the mother for interfering with dad's access time. And then the unthinkable happens. For daddy dearest, raping his child on the weekends isn't enough. He takes mom to court and sues for sole custody and guess what? He is almost guaranteed to get it. Then he can rape her at will. And there is nothing mom can do about it. Dad has arranged it that mom can no longer see her because she has alienated him from his child's life by EDUCATING HER, she is no longer allowed to see her baby because Dad now needs to 'deprogram' her from mom's verbal abuse.
So the child is forced to live with her father. Forced into being raped and beat. Neglected and abused. Tortured. And mom is forced to dump thousands of dollars and hours into a system that failed to protect her child to begin with.
This is how it is everyday for many of us. We are forced to hand our children over to someone who will continually abuse them. We are forced often with our lives and freedom to watch the assaults unfold. We are forced to endure the shame and humiliation with our child because it is the aftermath we most often witness. We are forced stand by, and wait on our lawyers or a law guardian's word that this time will be different. New judge, new laws, new Law Guardian, new county. But the result is always the same if not worse. The new judge grants dad more time, or strips mom of all her parenting rights. Forces mom into living in a car because dad needs child support. That is his right as sole custodian. It is his right to interfere with mom's access because its in the best interest of the child to not hear bad things about dad from mom... far better is it for dad to abuse the child than for mom to protect her.
So where is the line between educating and alienating?
It must lie somewhere in the vicinity of that other line.... the one between Justice and Family Court.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A failure to communicate?
Most of you, if you had been following us on the dailybs, will know my plight with the American Custody Battle.
In the 3 years since I started that series, oh how educated I have become. I have gotten beat up web wise by some of the more illustrious father's rights' groups. And the threats to my inbox have been amusing at best. Oddly enough, they prove my point about what that gender is truly like at their core.
Some of you may remember from earlier stories that I was married oh so many years ago. This man, and I use that term loosely, was the most violent of people. He wasn't always that way however. In the beginning of our relationship he was kind and loving. That changed almost immediately after we got married. No, that's not true, it was happening before we wed but not with such frequency. However, it was after we wed me being a whole 18 years old, that it really started to turn.
What I find confusing about the whole situation of victims in a violent marriage is the shame in which people look upon us. We get the gambit of questions;
"Are you stupid?"
"Why would you stay?"
"I can't believe you're dumb enough to put up with that"
"How can you be so stupid"
Ladies and gentlemen, let me ask you something. If your son or daughter, or mother or father for that matter went to war and got captured by the enemy, was held as a POW for 7 years and then finally managed to be released but not without damage.. Would you then ask that person why he stayed or how she could have been so stupid to get caught?
Guess what? Marriage to an abusive man is the SAME EXACT THING..
He beats on us, starves us, drags us out of bed for no apparent reason at all of hours of the night. Our bones get broken, we get raped and tortured... the only difference is its happening in our home and not in some foreign country somewhere. We are held prisoner for years. Threats of and actual abuse forces us to stay. And then comes the terror of knowing that if, IF you can escape, chances are he'll kill you. 80% of domestic violence homicides occur AFTER she leaves for help. That means a victim has less that a fifth of a chance of surviving.
Now here's the bloody part. We escape, and somehow manage to survive long enough to get to court and file for divorce, file for custody and basically beg our GOVERNMENT for help in protecting our children... And some family court judge, an idiot in a black robe, hands our young children off to that very same man we escape from. The one that decided raping us wasn't enough, he had to move on to our young daughters. So that now, we worry about how much torture our children are suffering. When we intercede to protect a life that cannot protect itself we get held in contempt of a court order and thrown in jail.
Why do we stay? Because its so much less stressful and damaging to be able to protect our children from him, than it is to protect them from the family court system.
That's why.
In the 3 years since I started that series, oh how educated I have become. I have gotten beat up web wise by some of the more illustrious father's rights' groups. And the threats to my inbox have been amusing at best. Oddly enough, they prove my point about what that gender is truly like at their core.
Some of you may remember from earlier stories that I was married oh so many years ago. This man, and I use that term loosely, was the most violent of people. He wasn't always that way however. In the beginning of our relationship he was kind and loving. That changed almost immediately after we got married. No, that's not true, it was happening before we wed but not with such frequency. However, it was after we wed me being a whole 18 years old, that it really started to turn.
What I find confusing about the whole situation of victims in a violent marriage is the shame in which people look upon us. We get the gambit of questions;
"Are you stupid?"
"Why would you stay?"
"I can't believe you're dumb enough to put up with that"
"How can you be so stupid"
Ladies and gentlemen, let me ask you something. If your son or daughter, or mother or father for that matter went to war and got captured by the enemy, was held as a POW for 7 years and then finally managed to be released but not without damage.. Would you then ask that person why he stayed or how she could have been so stupid to get caught?
Guess what? Marriage to an abusive man is the SAME EXACT THING..
He beats on us, starves us, drags us out of bed for no apparent reason at all of hours of the night. Our bones get broken, we get raped and tortured... the only difference is its happening in our home and not in some foreign country somewhere. We are held prisoner for years. Threats of and actual abuse forces us to stay. And then comes the terror of knowing that if, IF you can escape, chances are he'll kill you. 80% of domestic violence homicides occur AFTER she leaves for help. That means a victim has less that a fifth of a chance of surviving.
Now here's the bloody part. We escape, and somehow manage to survive long enough to get to court and file for divorce, file for custody and basically beg our GOVERNMENT for help in protecting our children... And some family court judge, an idiot in a black robe, hands our young children off to that very same man we escape from. The one that decided raping us wasn't enough, he had to move on to our young daughters. So that now, we worry about how much torture our children are suffering. When we intercede to protect a life that cannot protect itself we get held in contempt of a court order and thrown in jail.
Why do we stay? Because its so much less stressful and damaging to be able to protect our children from him, than it is to protect them from the family court system.
That's why.
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