Gas Pedal is on the Right

I have a big truck. A 2 ton, gas-guzzling beast of a thing with 8 cylinders and a pansy ass horn for it's size. It's a burgundy truck; No camouflage markings on it of any kind- therefore, the only thing it would blend in with is a bloody crime scene.
I have 8 lights on the front of my truck. My regular headlamps, my high-beams, my running lights and my fog lamps. 2 out of 4 sets of lights are on at any given time. No where on my truck exists any insignia, advertisements (save the Chevy logo) or even a bug shield for that matter.
I describe my truck to you because I want you to draw a mental picture of it driving toward you at a high rate of speed. Can you see it? Big, isn't it?
Fully insured, too.
So I ask, do you think me and my truck being a full 20 feet away from you moving at 65 miles per hour is a good time to pull out of a street/your driveway?
No? Then why does this happen 72 times a day?
I take this time and space to educate you on how to drive. It seems your 5 hour course has escaped your memory. Let's refresh:


This is a Stop Sign. Say it with me: Stop Sign. It means STOP. Now the trick to this sign is that once you have stopped and checked for on-coming or crossing traffic- you can go again. Granted, I agree this sign should be changed to "Pause for Safety" but until that happens just remember this: Stop, look, clear, NOW FUCKING GO. This sign does not mean stop, check your make-up, send a text, change the radio station, masturbate, pick your nose, then go when the person behind you honks. Let's review: Stop, Look, Clear, NOW FUCKING GO. That easy. Pay attention, though; there will be a test on this.
Our second lesson brings us to speed limits:
This is a speed limit sign

This is how fast you can and should go. We know you have no where else better to be, but we BEHIND YOU do. You can tell you are not doing the speed limit when you have a line of cars behind you doing the NASCAR pace motions. We are just itching to get by your 25 mile per hour ass. Please pull over and let us by before we are forced to pass you~~ endangering both yours, mine, and some poor schlubb's life who just happened to be in the other lane.
While we're on the subject of speed limit, let me introduce you to the state route sign.


This is an average state route sign. They are generally black and white and have some amount of numbers in them. THIS SIGN TELLS WHERE YOU ARE, NOT HOW FAST YOU SHOULD GO. Please bear this in mind as the NASCAR pace motions line up behind you, again. In the event of such a mistake, please see directions for Speed Limit Sign.

Sticking with motion, let's review the common brake and gas pedal

.............. STOP..................................GO
See how this works? The long up/down pedal make car go.
The wide left/right pedal make car stop.
The one on the right- go
The one on the left (now look at your hands and make an "L" with your thumb and first finger. That's your LEFT HAND) stop.
Oh, and one final thing:


If a car is parked on your side of the street, YOU MUST WAIT BEHIND IT UNTIL ONCOMING TRAFFIC CLEARS. Does this make sense? This is how the majority of side-street head-on collisions occur. Because some impatient asshole forgot he does not have the right of way. Well, let me remind you with both tons of my truck and all 8 of its cylinders. If you're looking to play chicken with me in your little mini-cooper, YOU WILL LOSE.

I would also like to offer some general advice:
If you can't see over the steering wheel, get off the road.
If you can't reach the brake and/or gas pedal, get off the road.
If you cannot distinguish red from green, get of the road.
If you have ever confused the brake pedal for the gas pedal, get off the road.
If you feel compelled to fuck everyone else over because you need wind in your hair and must do 110 mph to get to the red light; get off the road, then shoot yourself.
If you feel you don't have to use your turn signal because it is not the business of others where you are going, get over it and then get off the road.
If you are drunk, get off the road and pass out somewhere. Better yet, call me and I'll help you finish the case. But we'll drink it OFF THE ROAD.
And finally:
If you drive a mini-cooper, get off the road. You just look ridiculous.

Where has all the respect gone?

So, I am driving home today and happen to stop at the light on 67 waiting to turn left onto Camby Rd.  I notice a lot of flashing lights headed my way and think, "Wow, there must really be something going on".  So, I already know that I am not moving, even if the light for me turns green before they get to the intersection.  But, I notice that they are moving rather slow.  A police car comes into the intersection to block traffic, then I notice that it is a funeral procession.  I am not sure who the procession for, but by the many fire trucks included in this particular procession, it tells me that this person had a part in the fire department.  Then, the light for the south bound traffic turns green.  The people at the line continue to wait.....which, out of respect, I was always taught that you do.  You stop when you see a funeral procession.  Does not matter if you are going in the opposite direction or not.  And, you do not pass a funeral procession.  So, while watching the procession pass while I sit still waiting to make my turn.  I see that I am going to be there awhile because I can barely see the fire truck that is at the back end of the procession.  I start to hear the impatience coming from the drivers waiting at the light that has now turned green.  Mind you, the police car is still sitting in the intersection with his siren blaring.  I hear the drivers hitting their horns, not out of respect, on the contrary.  They wanted those that were sitting at the green light to move.  I sat and watched at least 40 drivers continue on their way as the procession still passed through the opposite side of the intersection.

It made me very sad.  Not for the person being taken to their final resting place, but for those that decided they could not stop and wait for 5 minutes to let this procession pass peacefully.  For those that found their day more important to continue on when the person in that casket can no longer kiss their family good night.  I am sad that I am trying to teach my children that when they start driving, they will pull over and let a procession pass, only to get the bird flown at them by someone who does not realize what they are stopping for.

I still made it home, maybe a few minutes later than I would have, but I am home.  I still walked in the door and had my children open their arms and greet me with their smiles and kisses.  Even though I stopped and waited for the funeral procession to pass, my day continued.  

Would it kill the rest of you to stop and pause for a few minutes to let a procession pass you?  Think about that the next time you see a funeral procession.

Just last month, we buried my grandmother.  While riding to the cemetery, I saw only a few cars stop and pause while we passed.  I also saw a few that decided they would pass us in the right lane, just to turn into the fast food joint, or the shopping center along the way.  Was that taco so important that it could not wait another five minutes?  Was that sale going to end before you made it to Kohl's?  No, it wasn't.  You disrespected my family, my grandmother, simply by driving by the hearse to get to your sale and fast food.

On the same note, however, there were people that stopped...a few.  And, those few that did stop, they made us smile.  I smiled because I knew that all hope was not lost.  That there are still a few people out there with some respect for the dead that they would stop and block a lane on a highway just for a few minutes.

So, this brings my little rant to a close.  I hope that you will all take a moment to pause the next time you see a funeral, even one that is heading in the opposite direction.  And, for those of you that did not take anything that I just took the time to type out to heart.....FUCK YOU!

Don't cry over spilled milk

I was watching the news this morning; an event I rarely partake in. I was amused to hear that a semi-truck full of milk had spilled all over an on-ramp to the highway. The driver had minor injuries, and fortunately, didn't shed a single tear.
The next item on the news was about 'good cholesterol' and new studies showing that it may not be so good for people after all. The odd thing about this is that medications
have been prescribed to 'up' good cholesterol in people who apparently had low levels of this chemical. Medication was prescribed for a condition that was never thoroughly studied. This is a frequent and frightening scenario in these United States. Ever watch those anti-depressant commercials? "This drug is thought to increase this happy feeling".. "No one knows how this drug works but..." ... Sign me up for that one. I love popping pills that no one knows how they work, or why they should be prescribed, or even the long term effects of ingesting them. Gotta love this country.
Then we moved on in the news to the uproar over gay politicians. Look folks, you all know I'm agnostic. I don't know what the hell is out there. God, aliens, chance, circumstance. Who knows. But like the medications, those who are opposed to gay anything are thought to have a moral compass even though they don't really know how the universe works yet. Basing your morality on something that has never been proven or even seen for that matter is like taking the Utopia pill that is only thought to control depression even though no one knows how it works.
My advice to all the bible beaters who hold on to a notion of 'maybe' is to move on and get over it. Because someone is practicing, participating or otherwise being something you don't agree with doesn't make them wrong, weird, freaks or anything else. It doesn't make you wrong, either. It makes us all DIFFERENT. I have gone over the 'different' position before. Who gives a fuck really? How is their life really affecting yours? Is my friend being gay really having an impact on whether your belief system allows you to go to your heaven? No, it's not. Therefore, it's not really your concern. You have not been charged with "saving" anyone and all your signs that say "God Hates Fags" are erroneous. You don't even know for sure if there is a God, no matter how much faith you have, to be able to convey who he hates. And, if 5 years of going to catholic classes allows me to recall: Your God is love, therefore it's oppositionally inaccurate to assume he hates fags. Truly I say to you, first, discover if your God actually exists... Then you can ask him who he hates.
Ok,
Rant over
Ragi out.

She's Always a Woman to Me.

I have a crotch.
No, really, I do. A bone fide, genuine, 100% real vagina. It's there. It leads to various parts of the female human body like the cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries. I got all those. I got boobs, too. Well sort of. They're small and hardly note worthy, but in the right push-up bra, they're there. Know why I have all these things? Let me tell you.
I am a woman. A chick. A gal. The softer sex. I am female, hear me roar.
I grew up in the 'tweener generation. This was post bra-burning but pre-"career woman". When women were still trying to get recognized as contributing members of society; after women got the vote, but before they got the pay raise.
The role of 'woman' in humanity has been so skewed we don't know if we're coming or going. But who do we blame? Bad news, ladies., it's us. And our mothers. And their mothers, too. Women can be held accountable for single-handedly messing up the dynamic of "family".
We wanted the vote, we got it. The 14th amendment says so. Here's what sucks: Only 73% of women over the age of 18 are registered to vote. I am one of them. But only 63% of women actually vote. I am not one of them. (see: http://www.infoplease.com/spot/womencensus1.html)
Then we wanted jobs outside the home because cooking, keeping a clean environment, raising our children, loving our husbands, running errands, helping with homework, cheering our young athletes on, braiding hair, defeating that stain on her favorite jeans and filling the air with the scent of cookies and pies wasn't 'respectable'. It was 'slave work'. It was demeaning. It was beneath us. Right. Sure. No, sorry, I can't agree with that.
For starters, let me express the fact that I like my bra. I love it in fact. Without it, everyone would see when I was cold.
Second, to all those power-women who just had to have careers, who had to show they were better than men I would like to say thanks. You have proven the age old sentiment that one gender is not better than the other, and is in fact just truly different.
We're different.
Men were built to be men and women to be women. By God, Allah, Aliens, natural design or whatever you believe; there has always been a left to a right, a stop to a go, an up to a down and a man to a woman. Its just the way it is. And like everything in life, one is not better than the other, they're just different. And equally true, one option may be more appropriate in certain situations over the other. Its just the way it is.
I should point out that I am in college right now. I am working my way towards a career that I'll probably never have and don't really want anyway. I love being in school, but honestly nothing could ever take the place of being with my husband and children. I love going on the kids' field trips. I love being home when the school nurse calls to say they can't make it through the day. I love not having to rush around for a babysitter or day care and most importantly; I love not missing a moment, as they go by so fast. I love being a mom and a wife and what other women would call "a disgrace to the gender".
I love the struggle of a one income household. I love that when I don't know what to do, my husband does. I love that he coaches soccer and opens jars. I love that he holds the door for me. I love when he says "mmmmmm" when I make pork chops. I love being a woman. I just hate being one in this, the 21st century.
My female cohorts think I'm nothing.
But here's the facts:
Before woman left the home and decided raising kids wasn't a good enough endeavor, there were no school shootings, there were no piercing's of the eyebrows, there were no metal detectors at the roller rink.
Before women left the home, a "gang" was 4 guys in a Thunderbird playing mailbox baseball and rumbling with other gangs, which seldom (if ever) lead to street wide hysteria and drive-by shootings. I'm not saying there was no violence, I am saying the violence was honorable and face to face. When a person had a beef with someone, they confronted them, toe to toe, fist to fist. They didn't sneak up on a house filled with children while holding an AK-47 wiping out half a neighborhood in the wee hours of the morning.
Before woman left the home, "sexual harassment" was called "chivalry". It was not only okay to tell a woman of her beauty, it was desired. It was not only okay to hold a door for a lady, it was expected. It was not only okay for a man to protect a woman, it was the noble thing to do. And it was not only okay to love your husband to the point of complete submission; it also meant he probably loved you, too, to the point of complete submission.
Before woman left the home, a man took pride in his ability to provide for his family. He didn't commit suicide because there was no work to be found, thanks to the quotas companies have to fill by providing positions for women.
Before women left the home, there was a tenderness in the air. The fairer sex really was fairer. We didn't brag about how many dicks we sucked at the party the night before. We didn't use men just for their money. We knew who our babies daddies were.
Fine, I'll play the Devil for a moment. Yes, some men looked at women as though they were property. Yes, some men thought women the lessor. Yes, some men would have never changed a diaper, cooked a meal, vacuumed a rug or washed a tee shirt. Some men. Not all men.
And before women left the home, I didn't have to puke through laundry commercials with a dad folding clothes. I didn't have to hear the term "at-home-dad" which is ridiculous. It just doesn't make sense.
What women don't understand is that its not about tradition. Its not about slavery. Its about what we were built for. If dad was meant to raise the children, he would have been given a uterus.
When there is love and acceptance of differences in gender, those "some men" are few and far between.
Don't believe me? Ask your parents. Ask your parent's parents. There was a tenderness between a man and a woman. There was a mutual respect for position. There was kindness, understanding, compassion, the ability to just be considerate.
Men and women took care of each other.
Men and women took care of their children together.
They are a compliment to each other and not meant to be competition.
I am going to continue being a worthless woman. I am going to continue to disgrace my "sisterhood". And I am going to raise my kids, not miss a moment, remind my son to protect his sisters and my daughters to respect their brother. I am going to allow my husband to spoil me with attention and affection simply because I have a crotch. And I am going to admire and revere my husband for having the strength of ten men, yet being able to hold me in his arms like I was made of ceramic.
But for the women who complain that men don't know how to treat a lady, blame yourselves.
You wanted equality (which is impossible).
It seems to me that you girls wanted the right to hold the door for yourselves, but wanted some guy to applaud you for it. Can't have your cake and eat it to, ladies. Let him hold the door. Just because we are capable of doing something, doesn't mean we have to do it.
Maybe instead of being woman and roaring, you might just try being woman and just saying "thank you".